Thoughts on life

19.06.2025

Life is short, no matter how long it is. 

Everyone and everything has an end date. 

As more people I know leave this Earth I am amazed at how my brain is able to sift through the memories of them and pick out only what is best. I hope this is a universal experience for everyone, and not just my individual experience. 

This leads me to wonder; Will I be a good memory for others? Are there any good memories of me that their brain will project when I am no longer here? Will they be able to say anything good about me when I am gone? 

Of course these questions seem so centered on the image of the self, but I think it might be a good place to start when reflecting on the life we live. 

I know there are many people that I have wronged in this life, and I hope that I will be able to make it right during my remaining time here. I hope I can say sorry to everyone I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. 

I hope and pray that I am given the chance to live a beautiful life from here onwards. I understand that it won't be easy and there might be parts where I will be the cause of unhappiness, but I will try my best to avoid causing unhappiness. I will try to be better. 

I felt an urgency tonight to write this all down tonight to serve as a reminder for myself to always be kind. To speak only what is best, and think only what is good. Because life is too short. At the end days, I hope it will only be good memories and a soft return to the Creator. 

A little bit about the big loves I was blessed with

10 years went by so fast. 

At the start of those 10 years, I found the best souls (thank you God). I remember a lot of love, a lot of exploring and a lot of laughter. A lot of hugging a lot of joking and giggles. A lot of plans. A lot of uplifting. A lot of freedom. A lot of ice-creams. 

A lot of silliness. Some near-death experiences. Some lows (spiritually, emotionally and financially). 

And I am so grateful that I was allowed to experience those times with the right people.

Truly, I would not wish for it to have gone any other way. I love those early years so much. I hope I never forget that one McDonald's, eating together every day, grocery shopping, shopping in general, Christmases, and sharing everything. Having only each other and wanting to hang out with only each other. 

That youthful spirit where we only wanted to see new things and have adventures together. I am so happy I was there for it all. 

Our perfect little bubble. I wish I vlogged it all so we could have something physical to look back on. 

I went through a lot with both of them. Even now, 10 years later, although the bubble popped a while back, they still manage to teach me things about myself. Teaching me how to be a better person. Teaching me to let go of the ego. So many life lessons from my favorite two. 

I hope and pray that the both of you will be happy wherever life takes you and know that I will always be your #1 cheerleader through it all, even if only in the background. <3 

2024

Tiny reflections from 2024

Family

Its better to be around family, and its better to eat at home together. 

Photographs

Are so important. Take more photos and print them. 

Spiritual

If you're looking for peace it comes from here, you won't find it anywhere else

Friends

Make me happy, and I hope I make them happy too. 

Gratitude

Is the only way you'll be able to come out of every and any situation fulfilled.

Trust

Is so easy and also so difficult. 

Knowledge

Do not stop trying to learn whatever you want to learn, anything you want, just learn.

Strength 

Is utilised when you least expect it.

Self

Take care of her.

Health

Please get medical insurance. 

Consistency 

is a struggle with yourself. But it gets easier if you actually respect and love yourself. 

Doing better

I am trying and hoping that I will do better in the next year. 

Dagger

I prepared a speech for them. I made sure it was structured properly, it had a beginning and a solution. I had touch points I knew I had to stress on. 

I practiced the speech. I did not want to clam up. 

It went partly as planned, with tears and screams. My mother cried and shouted, my father was stoic and asked why did he have to go through this. I felt alone. I cried and cried, I was angry too. Nothing I said could change their mind and Nothing they said would change mine. We were twisting daggers into each other's hearts. 

In the end, I hugged both of them, despite their disapproval. 

There was no solution, only humans walking on autopilot. 

I feel empty and resigned. I am a shell being pushed by the waves, crushed on a beach I did not come from. What will happen to the pieces of me left. 

2020

So I developed one of my Fuji200 rolls at DarkRoom8 a while back and these are some of the photos which I think are okay to share with the public. The remaining 31 pics are a bit too personal and some just didn't turn out how I wanted them to, which is sad but it's okay. These pics are like from 2020 and I only got them developed in 2022. That's a 2 year wait, which didn't feel like a 2 year wait? 

gudang stolen goods

closed theme park 

cats on yellow bed

the hill near i-soho

Christmas Tree 2020

For 2021, I think I only finished 1 roll of film and in 2022 both my cameras were broken - so no rolls were used. I still have 2 fresh Fuji rolls but no camera to use them on. I've been looking on Carousell for a replacement film camera but everything is so expensive??? even the normal film cameras are like RM100++ kinda sad but that's the market right now. 

So I guess now there will be an even longer wait until I get to take more pictures on film, this wait I think I'll feel the pinch but only after the rest of my rolls have been developed. 

2022

Not one of my best, too much turbulence and me just wishing life would be easier. I am so tired of being an adult. 

but we go on. 

Happy New Year 2023.

Bad Texter

I don't know why but opening whatsapp is such a chore for me. But this neglect towards all my unopened messages is becoming so rude to everyone I know. Today I opened Facebook and I saw my cousin tag me in a post saying "when your bestfriend text's you and then doesn't reply for 3 months" or something like that and I really felt that she didn't deserve that treatment. I mean, yeah opening whatsapp is draining but how do I overcome this? I know that most of the people I know aren't offended that I sometimes just never open their messages but I do feel bad, and I feel like it's too much already. I mean, clearly we don't know when the last conversation will be with the other person. We don't know these things and I would feel terrible if the last thing you said to me I didn't even respond to it???? It would be 1000% my fault and I understand this is something I have to change. However, I also think that it's not so simple to be a better texter overnight? Because I think I haven't given myself enough time to be alone and to not have ANY WORK. I really feel that 90% of my whatsapp that makes me tired of being on whatsapp is work related messages (or before this, school related/extra curriculars/outside uni engagements) I think I try to involve myself in too many responsibilities. I just didn't realize that my brain and body cannot take it sudah. I just keep trying to find work for myself, when I should stop. Like I really should just stop for awhile. I'm beginning to understand why some people want to go and live in the mountains for a few years, it's because there is no way they will stop if surrounded by opportunities to do work because maybe they're addicted to being busy. Hopefully I don't reach that stage. Haih. ok la that's all.